It’s Settled: it will Happn!

I’ve addressed this issue before, but then it had more to do with my amazement over the fact that so many people on dating apps are in an open relationship. Whatever your opinion is on that phenomenon, though: it’s nothing if not honest – as long as you make sure his boyfriend is in an open relationship too!

More and more labels seem to be added to the dating mix, however, such as ‘partnered’, ‘exclusive’ or ‘committed’. As these terms sound so out of place in the dating arena, you have to wonder why these qualifications are provided as options. When you label yourself as one of these three, what are you even doing on a dating application? And what the f**k is the difference between them? No, really… what? It feels like saying ‘in between jobs’, ‘I don’t work right now’ and ‘unemployed’ are different things too. Just so we’re clear: they’re not.

 

Some claim they’re only on there to meet people or to chat with someone beside their cat, but seriously… who’s kidding whom? It’s such a puzzle. How completely friend-deprived must you be, if you don’t have any non-digital person in your life you can talk to, forcing you to turn to dating apps to make new friends. It’s called Grindr… not Friendr!

People have a tendency to want what they can’t have – the grass being greener and all that crap – which is why people would rather date people that are, well… already dating other people. As it turns out, people that are spoken for make far better prospect partners, in bed as well as in business. Partnered people these days are considered to be the most eligible bachelors, even though they are – obviously –bachelors no more. It seems people have an unexplainable fascination for people that are unattainable.

To test how desirable an ‘out of reach’ tag really is, I conducted a little social (media) experiment and changed my online relationship status from ‘single’ to ‘partnered’, just for the fun of it. I simply wanted to see what would “Happn”. The results are as astonishing as they are depressing. The amount of guys that started talking to me tripled! Now, of course I know that it’s fake…. but they don’t! They actually think I’m in a relationship and as a result, they want me…three times more than they wanted me when I was classified as single, to be exact. Isn’t that weird? That’s weird, right? Yes, that’s weird.

Apparently, settled is the new sexy and single is the new shunned. And I’m suddenly finding myself having newfound sympathy for Lena Headey’s character in the season 5 finale of Game of Thrones…. Shame! Shame! Shame!

The reason I’m bringing this up is not because I feel sad about my dating prospects, but because of the parallels that can be drawn between dating and the job market. My prospects on the latter do make me sad. “You don’t have a job right now? Oooh… something must be wrong with YOU! Sorry, we’ll hire someone who already has a job.” The more available you are, the less likely people seem to be looking at you… for love as well as for labor.

 

Although I’ve known this to be true when it comes to dating – nobody is attracted to an overly eager-to-please, readily available softy, after all – I never suspected this to dribble down and find its way to the professional workplace. Irreversible as it seems, there appears to be no other way than getting into bed with this concept – pun intended. You’re available, capable and you can start right away? Nah… if only you were under contract somewhere else, preferably with a three-month notice, you’d be perfect! Apparently, in order to get something that actually is hard to get, you have to play hard to get.

Well, I’m in. It’s on! Let the games begin…

 

 

 

 

Get Stuffed!

The glasses are poured, the potatoes are mashed and the turkey is about to be served. Yes, people… Thanksgiving has arrived!

This is a time to spend with our loved ones, overindulge on food we tomorrow wish we hadn’t had and be thankful for the things we do have. But what are those things? And are they really worth being grateful for?

Everywhere we are still trying to get out of the worst economical recession in history, Trump won the presidency and wars are raging in numerous parts of the world. Millions of people are being driven away from their homes, their livelihoods and are sent into the unknown. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t exactly call those things gratitude-inducing components of life. What do we do to change these things? Sitting around a table staring at a Turkey hardly does the trick.

The world is set ablaze and instead of grabbing the extinguisher, we sip hot chocolates and stock up on marshmallows to roast in the fire. It seems people are warming themselves to these flames of global chaos, rather than trying to put out the fire before it’s too late. And as everything keeps burning and starts melting away all the things we hold dear – freedom, security and equality – it’s becoming painfully clear that we’ve only got ourselves to blame. We live in a world in which physical deformities reign supreme. Figuratively speaking, that is.

Heads keep swelling, mouths are getting bigger and toes keep getting longer. In fact, sometimes people’s toes are so long, I’m surprised they even have a foot left to stand on. Most of us feel they’re the center of the universe and their view is the only right one. Not to mention the only view that matters. It doesn’t seem to take a lot for people to continuously voice their discontent or disapproval over basically anything and it seems to take even less for others to be offended by this.

We live in a world in which it has become so normal to vent your opinions, it almost feels like a criminal offence when you keep them to yourself. While I am a firm believer in freedom of speech – as a writer, how could I not be? – and I feel people should be able to say what’s on their minds, I do think it wouldn’t hurt us to show some restraint every so often. I say ‘every so often’, but obviously I mean ‘most of the time’, as too many times what is being said is presented as facts and not as what they actually are: opinions.

Yes, we are all individuals and we each have an unlimited stream of personal thoughts and ideas floating around in our heads – some more than others, of course. Thankfully, we have the freedom to share those thought and ideas with the rest of the world. But should we? Do we have to?

No. Not everything that pops up in your mind is to be spread as the gospel of, well… you. Before you hit that ‘enter’ button on your mental keyboard, take a minute to think. Some things are easily saved on your intellectual desktop and they will happily stay there, without being broadcasted into the universe. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you have to speak your mind all the time. Sometimes it’s perfectly okay to shut the f**k up!

But that’s just my opinion, of course…..

 

 

 

 

Busted!

Yes, you are! I can see you… nipples blazing, with your tits out! And no, I’m not at a strip club.

So, here’s the deal. A lot has already been said about publically nurturing babies – some of it positive and most of it negative – but there’s something that puzzles me about this whole phenomenon: why are women these days so intent on breast-feeding in public places? Where is this determination coming from? Or is it, and I suspect that it is, simply a small group of loud-mouthed women that get a kick out of flashing their boobs for nutritive reasons?

Fact is, there is a growing amount of women who seem very persistent in latching their babies onto their teats, regardless where they find themselves. There are immense groups of women not only promoting breast-feeding, but actually advocating doing it in public. And while I support the whole breast-feeding lobby – after all, it comes with tremendous health benefits and boosts the immune system – I am lost when it comes to pushing the agenda to make it socially acceptable to do it in public.

Yes, breast-feeding is natural. But so are many other things, like peeing or jerking off. “It’s natural” should not, however, be translated into “it’s okay to do it wherever you feel like it”. It’s not an open invitation! Even non-sexual, smaller things that have nothing to do with genitalia, like picking your nose or clipping your toenails, are perfectly natural – we’re all doing it, after all. Yet, it’s still considered highly inappropriate behavior, when you do it in public. For a reason. The bigger question is: why would you even want to do these things in public?

The most natural things are also – quite often – the most private ones. Women have been breast-feeding their children for centuries and maybe it was fine to do that on the town square in Ancient Rome, but Romans also had joined public toilets. They considered it a social event to do a number two together with their neighbors, while discussing politics. I don’t think ‘When in Rome, do as the Romans do’ applies anymore.

 

 

My mother never whipped out her double D’s in public and I’m still alive. And no, I did not spend my infant years as a malnourished child on the edge of starvation, because my mother did not suckle me the instant I asked for it. That doesn’t make her a bad mother; it just shows she has social decorum. I’m not suggesting you continue your shopping spree or keep sipping lattes with your friends for hours on end, while your baby needs to be fed. But it’s not child abuse if you wait a short while, until you find a more private setting to address your baby’s nutritional needs.

Just because you are a walking food container for your child, doesn’t mean you have to serve it at all impossible times. It’s not an open bar! Even breastaurants should have closing hours, shouldn’t they?

Before you get the wrong impression: I am not at all against breast-feeding in public. Frankly, I could not give a rat’s ass if you decide to do it in front of an audience. That’s not the offensive part. The offensive part is that you pretend it’s normal to do this in plain sight and then get upset if people are weird about it. Yes, as a mother you have a natural responsibility to feed your child and everybody understands that. But surely you can understand that not everybody necessarily wants to be exposed to some stranger’s tits, while enjoying a chicken pesto salad on their lunch break? Actually, now that I think of it, this entire issue could be solved with a variety of sensational – or should I say ‘titillating’ – television formats! How about Breast-feeding With the Stars, America’s Next Top Nipple or So You Think You Can Lactate?

If we look at the recent presidential elections, reality television is far from dead. So why not just run with it. If women feel so comfortable sharing their private parts with the public, I’m sure they won’t mind doing so in front of a live television audience of millions. And let’s face it, it’s the perfect solution: the women who so desperately feel the need to breast-feed in public, can still do this. But in this scenario the people who are unwilling spectators, actually have the option to switch channels. Everybody wins!

There. Glad I was able to get that off my … chest.

 

 

 

 

Orange is The New Black

For the first time, I agree with Donald J.Trump: “Wrong……wrong…..wrong!”

America, what have you done? What is wrong with you? What were you thinking? Or should I say ‘What were you drinking?’ as most of you were clearly drunk while casting your votes. Rest assured, this hangover will take more than an aspirin for it to go away.

As it turns out, anyone can become president….ANY-ONE. Well, at least anyone with a billion dollars, five children by three wives and a bad hairstylist. Kim Kardashian is up next, I think. One thing is for sure now that Trump has seriously managed to become the 45^th President of the United States of America: I certainly don’t want to see any job opening with “experience required”…. ever again.

 

 

I’m not a believer in conspiracy theories, so these elections weren’t rigged, but I quite wish they were. Because that would actually mean America had half a brain left. But nooo… Unfortunately the American majority has proven me wrong in defending their intelligence all these years. Whenever people told me ‘Americans are stupid!’ I’ve always resented that generalization. There are plenty of reasonable, smart, well-educated people in the US. Well, apparently, not enough.

Honestly, I get why the majority of the underprivileged, unemployed lower-class feels left out and abandoned by the establishment. Trust me, I do. But if these people think a self-serving, divisive, narcissist with an overly large bank account is going to fix these issues for them, they have more problems than I thought. The sad thing really is that the ones who voted for Trump will be most likely hardest hit by their own decision.

Once they realize what they’ve done, it will be too late. After four years of ‘The Donald’ – the fact someone refers to himself as such, should have been alarming enough – these unfortunate souls will be more fucked over than they feel right now. Knowing them, they will probably find a way to blame Hillary though… or Obama…. or anyone who wasn’t there and isn’t actually responsible. They’re so terrified by the idea of a woman in charge, that they would rather elect a discriminating, woman-groping, xenophobic, tangerine-colored buffoon. And then there’s Melania; the First Lady who’s actually a Third Lady.

 

 

Well, the people have left us baffled, puzzled and lost for words. They have spoken their unintelligible minds and will get what they deserve. So, congratulations America! Good luck with your next just-as-lying President of the not-so-United States of Ignorant America. The American Dream has turned into an American Nightmare. You used to be the Land of Endless Opportunities, but managed to transform yourself into the Land where Intelligence and Freedom came to Die.

I won’t be attending the funeral.

 

How To Get Away With Politics

 

I’m so excited and I just can’t hide it! I mean, I can, but why would I? Today is the day we’ve been waiting for! Well, I sure have.

And I’m not talking about the much anticipated season premiere of some new must-see ABC show. Although it’s not hard to understand one’s confusion, as it certainly contains all the ingredients of a new Shonda Rhimes series. But no, I’m talking about American Election Day!

Today I woke up feeling like a kid on Christmas Morning. Okay, admittedly it would be a kid on an alternate, backwards, creepy, what-the-hell-is-happening-to-this-world sort of Christmas Morning, but still… It has my heart racing with anxiety over what will be tonight’s results, as both presidential candidates are so close to victory. After months of crazy campaigning, mud slinging – most of it one-directional – storytelling, fact twisting and secret revealing the race is finally coming to a close and we will know who came out on top.

With one of the candidates being Mr. Reality TV himself, Donald J. Trump, it’s not surprising the whole thing reminds us of a primetime political soap opera. Or a reality tv show. I keep waiting for a bunch of Kardashians to show up or to hear Tyra Banks’ voice-over: ‘I have two wonderfully entertaining contestants standing here before me. But only one of them is still in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Liar!’

Everybody lies – politicians and businessmen-billionaire-turned politicians alike – that’s no secret. This year’s election has turned into a never-ending episode of the new hit show Unpretty not-so-Little Liars. The parade of political skeletons never seems to end and even when it does, people will come up with something…anything.

Do we really care, though? Do we really care about lost private emails or billionaires groping women by the p***y? Is that what we’ve been reduced to? A group of sensation hungry thrill-seekers, a crowd of attention craving gossip girls? Shouldn’t we be focusing on who has the best track record when it comes to running one of the world’s most powerful nations? Shouldn’t we be more concerned with which candidate is most suitable for the job and what her (yes, her… in case you hadn’t picked up on it, #ImWitHer) plans are for America’s future? Let me answer that for you: we should.

I sincerely hope all Americans that are registered to vote will make the right choice today – if they haven’t already. It’s time to be realistic and sensible and not let a loud-mouthed celebrity with anger-management issues have an actual shot at the White House. It’s time to put this electoral soap to bed and start targeting relevant concerns and urgent matters of state. It’s time to vote!

Tune in tonight at 23.00 CET, for the all-revealing season finale of How To Get Away With Politics!

Uncomfortably Numb

A lot of people – too many to be honest -, most of whom are Dutch, have a bizarre tendency to wear clothes because they are comfortable. The only thing I know about the word ‘comfortable’, is that it makes me feel uncomfortable…. and that it shouldn’t be used in the same sentence as ‘clothes’, ‘shoes’, ‘hair’ or anything else related to fashion or style.

“ These pants are so comfortable…. they feel like pyjamas!”

Eh…yeah… I bet they do. In fact, I think they actually are pyjamas as they look like them too!

No, unless you’re having an off-day -not a day off, there’s a difference – and you’re not leaving the house…. ánd you’re absolutely sure nobody is coming over, there is no excuse for dressing comfortable. I have never understood this approach anyway.

When people say stuff like this to me, I can’t help but look at them in disbelief. I always wonder how uncomfortable their clothes could possibly be? I am realistic, don’t get me wrong. Of course I get that you don’t feel like walking around in a pinstripe suit all day long or wear 12-inch heels 24/7. But why are these extremes the only options?? It seems it’s either dressed to kill or dressed to be killed.

Apart from many of the Dutch, there is another minority group that also has a penchant for this absurd phenomenon: celebrities. Maybe it has to do with their otherwise overly glamorised lives and they feel the need to compensate by moving to the other end of the fashion spectrum. Maybe it originates in their desire to feel normal once in a while, but apparently they think normal people live on the streets. It is possible to look like a mere mortal, you know. You don’t have to exaggerate and go dress as a homeless person.

 

 

Would it kill you to dress up a little? I am pretty sure it takes just as much effort to put on sweat pants as it does to put on a pair of jeans. So why not choose the latter? You can dress comfortable and still look… well, actually dressed. As opposed to looking like you’ve been hit by a bus…after you just escaped from an asylum…. where you weren’t allowed to shower for weeks.

People care about people who care about themselves. So why are so many people hell-bent on not giving a damn? Why don’t they care about themselves? If they don’t care, how is anyone else supposed to? People have become so jaded in their sense of style it’s almost like a fashion coma. It is as if they don’t feel anything….. except comfortable in their non-clothes.

 

 

 

Get out of your comfort zone (read: sweat pants) and slip into an outfit, aka clothes that are made to be worn in public. Start dressing like it matters. Start dressing as if you actually care about yourself. Start getting uncomfortable…. and feel amazing!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gunning for Presidency

Brushing up on current affairs, I came across this interesting article in The Economist about US gun laws. Apparently, Texans have found the solution for gun violence: more guns.

Color me crazy, but in which universe could this possibly make sense to anyone? It must be the same universe where AIDS is being cured by promoting unsafe sex. Or where global warming is being battled by advocating higher levels of carbon dioxide emissions.

Barack Obama has been making an appeal for gun control. Naturally, Mr. President did not do this in order to actively reduce crime rates or because he is concerned about the general well-being of his fellow Americans. No, Obama is just pushing his democratic agenda and creating political propaganda. Well, according to Texan lieutenant-governor Dan Patrick that is. Luckily for us, Mr. Patrick provides the ultimate quick fix: “Everywhere that we have more citizens carrying guns, crime is less”. Though he says ‘crime’, I suspect he means ‘common sense’ as that is so clearly hitting an all time low here.

 

 

What I find quite disturbing is that these sentiments are not just popular among the Lone Star State population. All across America people appear to support these views on gun laws, with many republican politicians leading the parade. No matter how much evidence is being presented to contradict their beliefs, they seem determined to stick to their guns – pun intended. They can’t genuinely believe adding more firearms to the mix improves safety for the general population, and brings down crime rates, can they? Yes they can!

The most devoted fanatics of the pro-gun movement want to take it one step further. They suggest open carry without permits or other restrictions. Why? Because it is their right by constitution and because, obviously, it makes the world a better place.

Constitutional Carry? More like Institutional Crazy.

Shoot me right now!

 

 

 

 

Happy New You!

As I am writing, the alarm is telling me it’s 6:47…. in the morning! For those of you who know me well this must sound like a joke, ridiculous even, as this is usually the time I am getting into bed, rather than getting out of it.

Beginning a new year is always a drag. People are supposed to be making plans, getting busy on those things they should have been doing the previous year and creating massive personal improvements. The pressure is on!

As I am no stranger to the pressure of New Year’s resolutions, as well as to their imminent failure, two years ago I decided it was a smart move to fool myself instead. My mantra for 2014 therefore was “Drink more, smoke more & fuck it all”. Well, it’s save to say, 2014 was a rather successful year for me and my resolutions: I saw them through, each one, without any of the usual set-backs or expected slip-ups along the way.

You can imagine it was a fantastic year, doing fun things and feeling great about them. After all, I had reached the goals I set myself, met all my resolutions and had a blast in the process. I must be one of the few lucky people in existence who can say this – even though it was by default.

Last year had to be different though – lungs and livers can only take so much – which is why I was taking the healthy approach in 2015. Unfortunately, barely a month into the new year I was in an alpine accident. And where most people get off with a physical warning, a sprained ankle or a bruised elbow, I got stuck with a broken femur. Not being able to work, or even walk for that matter, I fell into a depression. Or should I say deep-pression? An emotional hole so deep it is impossible to crawl out of, especially when you’re on crutches half the time. The whole ordeal left me with my two good friends, Champagne and Cigarets. Not to mention an astronomical medical bill.

It also, however, left me lots of time to contemplate what it is I truly want. My situation forced me to think about my future and to turn the negative into something positive. Basically, I was given 10 month to come up, revise and upgrade my resolutions for 2016. This is how I’ve discovered there is definitely room for some changes and improvements, but it also made me realise that I actually quite like my life the way it is…. well was, anyway.

I am going to leave the bad stuff in 2015, along with the crutches, take what has been already there and make it (even more) awesome! I am simply going to give it another go: make it work and – now that I can again – kick ass! Starting with my own…

Happy New Me!

Would you be my Valentino?

Today I felt so much love, I did. It was wrapped all around me…. literally.

On the 14th of February, it doesn’t seem to matter which way you turn. There is no escaping the red roses, pink hearts and lip shaped chocolates. And although I have to admit there is a certain sweetness to being bombarded by all this lovey-dovey stuff and all the happiness it results in, it also generates an unnatural and insincere feeling.

Valentine’s Day. In recent years it has become such an overly commercialised event, that one might forget it is about a martyr who’s death we’re commemorating. Only in the mid 19th century it became a day associated with romantic love and back then it was mainly for unidentified suitors, anonymous admirers and nameless lovers.

Now it has become a day on which we are supposed to pledge our love for the one we’ve been known to love for years. Which seems odd, as that sounds like something we should be doing every day, not just on the 14th of February, when all tangible tokens of affection are tripled in price. If we don’t participate in this madness we are either considered unromantic or classified as ‘not giving a damn’.

Yes, love is a funny thing, isn’t it? Somehow it’s a universal concept filled with contradictions, containing all the extremes. It’s surprising, yet predictable. Healing and passionate, yet poisonous and heartbreaking. All at the same time. This is probably why everybody keeps chasing after it, even though they have no clue what it is they’re chasing or what it might cost them. Its elusiveness makes it all the more intriguing. It’s like a mystery nobody wants to solve.

And although I’m all for keeping a mystery and I’m not big on bold gestures of affection, today I dare to declare…My love for fashion!

I do, I love fashion. And it loves me back, unconditionally. It’s the one true love that has never let me down. Sure, we’ve been known to disagree occasionally, or even hated each other for a brief moment, but we’ve always made up and we’ve come back stronger than before. We have an unbreakable bond.

Really, who needs a mailbox full of postcards anyway? Or flowers and chocolates, when you have a closet filled with love? It’s there when I go to bed and it’s there when I open my eyes in the morning, greeting me with more love than I could ever ask for. It’s comforting and warm. Expressive and generous. And it will never leave me. Yes, I love fashion…. and the feeling is mutual.

I’m gonna dress me up in your love… forever.

The Grindr that stole Christmas

 

Having thrown myself back into the online dating circus, I’m starting to believe I agree with what has been written on dating applications and how they influence today’s view on relationships. … I’m telling you, there is not a single soul out there! Well, there are plenty of souls out there, just none of them appears to be actually single. I am rather a ‘freedom for all & to each his own’ kind of guy and although it’s none of my business how other people like their eggs, when it affects my chances at romance, I do start to mind.

Sure, I understand there are couples out there that like to swing, that are just looking to add a little extra fun to the existing mix or that are simply trying to establish their individual market value. All of which is fine by me, but whereas having an open relationship used to be more of a random occurrence, it now seems to have become the new normal. And though I fully understand couples in long-term relationships wanting to spice it up, diverge from the menu and stepping out for a bite every once in a while, it confuses me to see 24-year olds that find themselves in an open relationship after dating only a few months. To me, that’s just silly….

Some people say it’s the way the world works nowadays, some say it’s a natural development or some even call it a trend. But it’s not a trend, is it? Trends pass… or at least they’re supposed to. This, however, is starting to become more like a phenomenon. A phenomenon that for reasons nobody truly understand seems to keep gaining popularity and is apparently impossible to get rid of…. Like Uggs.

As time passes, the ocean that was once full of eligible men is rapidly getting smaller and smaller and has now reached proverbial proportions: it really is the pond we fish in. And a rather dried up one at that. Why would you throw your rod – pun intended – back into the pond when you already have a seemingly perfect fish hooked on it? That’s hardly fair on the fish and it certainly isn’t fair on the other fishermen.

In a way it reminds me of the job market. Before, we only had to worry about other lone predators, hunting for a piece of the action. Now, the whole world is our competition! Even people with permanent positions are gunning for those very few job openings that are left. Maybe that’s just it: people are so afraid to get rid of the old before they have something new in their professional lives, that this fear transcends into their personal lives. Just like they hold on to their fixed contracts, most people seem unwilling to let go of their set relationships until something new opens up. The scary part is they might be on to something, as apparently being taken and unavailable seems to dramatically increase your appeal. On future employers and prospect lovers alike.

Though I am looking for a job, I don’t feel I am looking for the love of my life.. per se. Maybe it’s just the holiday season that is making me more susceptible to romance and new relationships, maybe I’m simply bored of the darkness and the cold nights or who knows, maybe I actually do want a boyfriend…

All I know for sure is that I would prefer it if it wasn’t already someone else’s!